A Reading from the Book of Usopp
by MasterQwertster
Summary: Usopp is a living "God" and these are the holy words he lives by. Or: Usopp's guidelines for surviving the hell that is his life.
1. Adventure and Battle Plans

**Adventure and Battle Plans**

Life is an adventure, don't be afraid to have one… be terrified, but do it anyways.

No matter how many times he got Can't-go-on-this-island-itis or any other of a plethora of please-don't-make-me-go type diseases, Usopp always overcame them (or got dragged along anyways, those jerks) and there was usually at least one or two points of fun in the terrifying mayhem.

Be prepared to fight your problems. Unless you can run, then do that.

There were reasons that Usopp had his "bag of tricks." Among these reasons were things like: homicidal pirates, homicidal Marines, homicidal animals, homicidal plants, the occasional homicidal village, the list goes on (I believe you get the point). Because at the end of the day you couldn't always run, so you had to be prepared to deal with your problems and/or fight. But running was better (always).

It is not running away, it's a tactical retreat to shoot your enemies when they least expect it. *Traps to slow the enemy down are optional (and highly recommended).

Usopp was a sniper, he simply wasn't comfortable in close quarters combat. So he ran for distance, and sometimes he put traps down so that he had more time before he turned around and sniped them. It was simple tactics.

*No one is invincible, and everyone had a weakness. The trick is living long enough to find it.

Another advantage to generally running away: you had time to study the enemy. Having as varied ammunition as he did meant nothing unless he knew what he was dealing with. Otherwise you had shit like Caesar extinguishing his Firebird Star and choking him with the very air around him (but he got that asshole back for it with the Seastone cuffs).

*You can never be over-prepared. It's only too much if you can't run with it.

Sometimes Usopp wished he had a bigger bag. Mainly so that he could put more things into it. Unfortunately, there was a fine line between being prepared for anything and carrying your own weight in shit.

* * *

 **Author's Note**

Welcome to the Book of Usopp. Since our favorite cowardly sniper has a bit of a cult following since Dressrosa, I figured a little fun character study/humor list was fitting. Asterisks mark Readings that I didn't come up with myself, though I still do the reasoning stories myself. So please, feel free to submit ideas.

This chapter's Reader Readings were provided by my good friend Black' Victor Cachat who is a very awesome writer themselves.


	2. Words and Lies

**Swears and Lies**

Swear in his name, liberally.

"Usopp damnit! Luffy, get back here with my beakers!"

"What?"

"You're a god, right? So you can damn things can't you?"

"Of course! I'm the best god there is!"

Usopp would later regret that conversation with Chopper when the whole Grand Fleet started using his name instead of "god."

It's okay for people to insult you, it is not okay for them to insult your friends.

Usopp stood by those words he told Chopper in Alabasta. A man can handle insults directed at himself, but he cannot stand for people to belittle his friends. Or their dreams.

Lie as much as you like, but be prepared for that shit to bite you in the ass.

At the end of the day, he didn't regret lying to the Tontatta. But when they were screaming in terrible pain and death while believing in him, he kind of did. Cowards don't make good heroes (but he'd try anyways).

*Lying to help others, save your life, or for fun is perfectly fine. Lying to hurt the vulnerable is a sin.

There was a reason Usopp could proudly call himself a liar, and that was because his lies were never malicious to someone who hadn't been malicious to him (or his friends) first. That people would use his noble art to ruin the lives of others for their own personal gain made him sick.

*Life is crazier than any lie.

Sometimes Usopp wondered what sick, twisted god decided to take all the stories he told Kaya and turn them into a checklist of things for him to run into. But only after they'd been spiced up, usually with high octane nightmare fuel.

* * *

 **Author's Note**

For the "Lie as much as you like" one, I'm aware that some might say he regretted being dragged into their battle plan from that lie, but the thing is, Usopp gets dragged into things all the time by his lies and Luffy, he does not see people suffering from his lies all the time, thus that has a bigger impact.

Reader Readings were once again provided by Black' Victor Cachat (they helped me brainstorm before I started posting this story, so you'll be seeing them for a while).


	3. Smarts and Stupidity

**Smarts and Stupidity**

You cannot change the Captain's mind, only live with the consequences of his decisions (even if said decisions are stupid).

It was kind of funny to watch Law flounder with Luffy's, well, Luffy-ness. And Usopp had even been kind enough to warn the poor bastard.

Mental warfare is a great weapon. Unless your allies are stupid enough to fall for it too.

Usopp was skilled with lying his way out of a pinch. Unfortunately, it tended to backfire a bit when Luffy and/or Chopper were around. Usopp wasn't sure what he expected when his captain and the doctor were always impressed and excited by any well told yarn.

It is painful to be the only sane one in a room full of suicidal idiots. Even more so when they don't realize they're suicidal.

It was the worst when the new scary island involved treasure because then Nami joined the side of the suicidal idiots, leaving Usopp as the one bastion of sane self-preservation.

You can correct all the idiots in the world in hopes that they'll get smarter, but don't hold your breath.

It could never be said enough that the world was full of idiots. Usopp had spent too much time with one particular group of idiots that it had basically become second nature to try and correct idiocy when it occurred before him. Unfortunately, it was a losing battle (he couldn't help but still fight it anyways).

There is no cure for stupidity. Accept this fact and continue your misery, I mean life.

Fishing Luffy out of the ocean five times in a single hour made you wonder how someone so stupid (seeing as he couldn't simply learn how to _not fall into water_ ) lived this long.

 _Splash!_

Make that six times in one hour.

 _Splash!_

And now he had to get Chopper out too. Again.


	4. Bravery and Fear

**Bravery and Fear**

*True courage is doing what needs to be done despite being afraid. Your trembling knees can collapse later.

Usopp was pretty sure there wasn't a single life-threatening fight he'd been in where he hadn't fallen on his ass afterwards when his knees gave out. He was mostly just grateful that they didn't give out on him during the fight when he was actually scared out of his mind from his seemingly imminent death.

Fear is not a bad thing.

There were too many heart attack inducing situations to be found on the Grand Line that Luffy insisted on jumping into head first because he was (mostly) fearless. Usopp often had to take a good look at the nightmare before deciding that he really did need to jump in after his captain. Mostly because he was afraid of losing said captain.

Do not fear the spider, fear the man who fears the spider.

In hindsight, it had been a stupid idea. However, Usopp had been too excited by the prime pranking material the wind-up spider he had bought had become under his and Franky's tinkering. Setting it off in the galley had only seemed a natural course to take. Sanji did not appreciate that natural course. Or Nami and Franky after the chef had crushed the toy through the floorboards. Usopp stayed in the crows' nest with Zoro for the rest of the day for safety.

Respect the afro, for it holds untold power.

Besides the fact that he was undead, Usopp had also feared Brook when he first appeared for his possession of an afro. Who knew what untold mystical powers an afro that had survived death and decay might hold?

Life can be crazier, so be thankful that it isn't (yet).

Every time he thought it couldn't possibly get worse, it usually did.

Luckily, it always had to get better at some point.

But the world was also determined to make each island crazier than the last.

Why was this his life again?

* * *

 **Author's Note**

Reader Reading is once again from Black' Victor Cachat.


	5. Faith and Love

**Faith and Love**

*A god is nothing without his people.

Usopp may have been thrust into an unintended godhood, but he at least knew what kind of god he didn't want to be: one who would kill all those under him in a bid to go to the freaking _moon_. Offense totally intended, but that was a terrible divine plan for all your followers. Usopp was just going to get his to follow Luffy and let his captain's Devil's Luck sort it all out. After all, it's not blasphemy to use a devil if you're the god setting the rules, right?

Love your ship and it shall love you back.

Seeing Merry come for them by herself, Usopp thought that just maybe fighting Luffy for her had been worthwhile. She deserved a more glorious death than simply being left on some island to be scrapped.

There is a positive correlation between ability to win and faith that you will win.

Usopp was 95% sure that Luffy's strength was derived from pure willpower. You could watch Zoro train almost any day of the week and Sanji would then spar with him. Obviously, they worked to be part of the Monster Trio. Luffy didn't do any visible training, yet he was still the strongest. Willpower was the obvious source of his strength. He certainly lent it out to the rest of them in times of need.

Hiding behind someone is telling them you have greater faith in their skills than your own.

Usopp knew he had mad sniping skills. He could pick a flea off a sea king's back at a thousand yards! He was not, however, a very… solid individual. Hiding behind Zoro in times of fear and stress was simply making sure that his more solid crew member was ready to do his job.

I'll do what you can't do, and you do what I can't do... but only if what we can do are two different things.

Usopp had been heartened by Sanji's words back in Eines Lobby for over two years now, but looking at Bartolomeo's crew, he had to add that caveat. It was all fine and well for a highly varied and specialized crew like the Straw Hats, but Bartolomeo's gang of land lubbers were all of generally the same skill set. It was a certifiable mystery-miracle that they'd made it from Louge Town to the New World in one piece.

* * *

 **Author's Note**

I know, I know. That last one is probably a little sacrilegious to One Piece, but it's a valid point.

Reader Reading is from Black' Victor Cachat.


	6. Fun and Games

**Fun and Games**

Pirates love to sing, thus all ships should have a professional musician.

Every time the _need_ for a new crew member came up, Luffy always said musician. Usopp had discounted it as one of Luffy's whimsical things and moved on to recruiting someone of the correct occupational persuasion. Then they got a musician and Usopp had to concede that yes, they really had needed a musician to liven things up (and maybe it's because Brook is the best musician ever, but it didn't change the fact that Brook and his music were a most welcome addition).

Impersonations of people are always a good way to pass the time (even when you might be drowning soon).

Humor is a great way to try to take your mind off things, as Usopp discovers in a cage in Alabasta.

This still holds true when they are sailing towards a god's judgement in Skypeia, and when he's in a cage (again) on Fishman Island.

Fishing is an efficient way of passing the time: you get food and something to do for a couple hours… unless someone has eaten all the bait (again).

Just once, Usopp wanted to do we-really-really-need-food fishing with bait actually _on the hook_ and not _in Luffy's stomach_. If wishes were fishes…

Be aware of what games your crewmates excel at. It's more fun in the long run if you aren't always getting owned.

Poker was never really a game played by the Straw Hat crew since even the slightest hint of gambling meant that Nami would instantly be taking them for all they had (and if you substituted food in for the stakes, Luffy threw fits that he lost all his "chips" almost instantly).

Sumo was another game that Usopp wouldn't play because Luffy could be a bit… over the top in his competitiveness, which probably wasn't helped by Usopp usually beating him in card games (it wasn't _his_ fault Luffy's poker face was nonexistent). After being thrown into the wall one too many times by a Gomu Gomu no Tsuppari, Usopp just wasn't going to play the Wano sport. His body couldn't take it anymore.

It's all fun and games until the Devil Fruit User(s) fall overboard.

Don't get Usopp wrong, he loves playing with Luffy and Chopper (and Brook when the old musician deigns to play), but it's a bit of a dampener when someone who is absolutely incapable of swimming falls overboard and thus necessitates saving. Doubly so when there's more than one person to fish out.


	7. Tinkering and Repairs

**Tinkering and Repairs**

Ships are bound to take damage on the Grand Line. This is not an excuse to damage it yourself.

Usopp loved Luffy and he loved Laboon (he was a man's man, er, whale), but was it really _necessary_ for Luffy to rip off Merry's mast to get the whale's attention?

Having a Shipwright is not an excuse to get careless with your treatment of the ship, it's a reason to be terrified of putting so much as a scratch on it.

Usopp was glad that they finally had a shipwright, even if it wasn't in time to keep Merry going (though it may not have mattered anyways). Sunny was a fine successor and plenty durable, so Usopp expected that they'd go far on this ship… especially when Franky would take any damage rendered to his masterpiece out of the offender's hide.

There is always room for a handyman because there's always something that needs a little fixing.

Franky took good care of the Sunny, there was no denying that, but Usopp tended to be the one who fixed the little things: a squeaky door here, a leaky faucet there. Just the little things that took a little know how. He'd been the one handling it on the Merry and it seemed a bit rude to foist it all on Franky when he had the bigger things to worry about.

Inventive genius is all well and good, until something blows up.

One of the reasons Usopp loved having Franky around was that the older man understood his inventive streaks and had ones even more brilliant than the sniper's. When the two of them got together on a project it was amazing… until something blew up and Nami bit their heads off about it.

Tinkering is best done away from distractions, or there will be explosions (and not the fun kind).

Usopp's trick shots (and his tricks in general) required some tinkering and messing around with volatile chemicals. After all, sometimes the desired effect _was_ an explosion. The problem was that either Usopp would end up too focused on his work or Luffy pulled stealth skills out of somewhere and well… there would be explosions (and not the fun kind).


End file.
